Currently Listening Hvarf/Heim By Sigur Rós see related

Adulthood kind of creeps up on you like that biannual dentist visit that you think is so far away.  Then one day you get a postcard in the mail picturing some dog on the front with a digitally enhanced smiling cartoon mouth telling you that your checkup is in two weeks.  Already?  Yeah, eventually things happen whether you want them to or not.

I suppose I would choose adulthood over a trip to the dentist's office, but sometimes trying to make my way through life feels like pulling teeth anyway.  In less than half a year, the decade that was my 20s will be over.  I can't be 30 already!  Actually, I can.  And will.  But I'm convinced that I'm going to be okay with it all.  When I was younger I gave myself a pep talk and decided that I was going to get older in style.  No mid-life crisis or general wallowing in self-pity.  No, it was going to be different for me.  If I happened to lose my hair or become prematurely gray, then I would just go with it.  If I started getting wrinkles it would be because God had blessed me with long life and I would be thankful.  I was choosing my attitude and it felt good.  Then.  But now it's all starting to come true and this is where the plan really takes shape.  I am losing my hair.  I am starting to get little krinkly wrinkles around my eyes and I keep thinking that I'm not even 30 yet.  Seriously.  Is this all happening already?  If adulthood is defined as looking like an adult, then I'm becoming more of an adult every day.

If I were to be rational about it all, I would admit that adulthood is much more than appearance.  It's more about maturity, and hopefully it comes with a sort of comfort with yourself and where you're headed in life (and collectively all the adults sighed, "yeah right.").  I know that there are a lot of people that never get to that place, and maybe that's normal.  I know that I'm not completely there myself, and that's why many times I don't feel like an adult at all.  I don't have a definite plan for my life.  I live month to month and wonder what changes I need to make to get me closer to being "settled".  I would love to have one job that pays all of my bills.  Right now I have three, and it gets old sometimes.  Second only to my relationship with God, I want so much to be married and to share this time with my wife.  Despite all attempts at finding this relationship, I am still searching.  I have a sense of loss at knowing that as I get older I will never have this time again with someone.  Being single has many advantages, but my heart longs for relationship.  It's part of who I am, and ignoring that desire doesn't make it go away.  Believe me, I've tried.

I'm not naive enough to think that adulthood is a destination.  Life flows through seasons subtly and many times it's difficult to distinguish one season from the next.  If there is ever a recognition of a new season, it's probably an epiphany long overdue.  Adulthood isn't the solution to a problem, as it generally raises more problems than it solves.  I'm torn on wanting to be an adult and still wanting to be a kid.  Maybe not a kid, but at least someone who isn't so stressed about the pressures of life.  Adulthood or not, I will keep getting older and hopefully keep on learning.  Maybe it's better to never strive for adulthood.  Instead, we can just be really old kids who are wise and yet still wide-eyed with wonderment.  I hope I can find that balance as life's seasons flow around me and shape me into the man and child that I will become.